You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
