Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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