i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
