five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
