Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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