I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
