So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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