booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
