the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
