i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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