my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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