He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
