i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
