I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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