She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
