put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
