I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
