I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
