if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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