I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i will never coherently bang her
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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