We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
