we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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