Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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