pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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