When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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