I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
