if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
