remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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