thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
