Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
