Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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