I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to cum in my sink.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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