It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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