just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
