it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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