Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
