I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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