I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
