I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
