Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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