Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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