i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
