Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
