Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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