I think I died a long time ago.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
