I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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