T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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