were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Randomize
