we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
