you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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