WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
