Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You smell like stripper and shame
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
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I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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