I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
