Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
