I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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