needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
