Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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