I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm passing your future prison.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
