moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
